Telling Herstories: The Broad View

The Top Six Questions That Memoir Writers Ask Me

Join us today as Linda Joy Myers shares the most common memoir-related questions she years, and her answers to each one.

In my work coaching writers, I observe them struggling with whether they should write a memoir, how to begin, and what to include. Most people are inspired to write a memoir because they have something significant they want to share, experiences and lessons they want others to know about. Some writers have been journaling for years, but a journal is not a story. A memoir is a more public document that others will read. We now expect a story, with scenes and novel like immersion when we read a memoir.

Then there’s the issue of family and friends, and how much to reveal. I compiled the top six questions that memoir writers ask, questions that all memoir writers must solve as they begin to write their life story.

· “Where do I start?”

· “What do I include?”

· “Should I just copy my journals?”

· “What makes my life interesting to other people?”

· “Do I have to write a whole book?” (Gasp.)

· What will my family do to me?

 

1.   Where to start? The place to begin a memoir essay or a book is to list the significant turning points, or moments of change, in your life. It might include the death of your grandmother or the day you fell in love. Or the moment you found out you were adopted or the day you discovered you were pregnant. Our lives are full of these moments. Ask this question: when did my life take a turn from the direction it was going? When were the moments of profound change?

Make lists of these turning points and then begin writing. Choose one that grabs you emotionally and go with it. You do NOT have to write in any kind of chronological order. Allow your emotions to be your guide.

 

2.   What do I include? This is a big question. To craft a memoir you must choose from the overwhelming details in your life. If you begin with turning points, include only what is necessary to give the reader an experience in scene of what happened. You need to interleaf action and feeling, and use sensual details such as taste, sound, texture and description to create a world the reader can enter.

 

3.   Should I just copy my journals? A journal is not a story, unless the journal was written with a reader in mind—but a journal is normally intended to be private. Most people vent and write randomly in journals, leaving out details because the writer already knows them.

 

A memoir is an artistic combining of significant moments to construct a text that brings a reader into your world and gives them an emotional experience.

 

4.   What makes my life interesting to other people? People who read memoir want to understand themselves better by entering into someone else’s story and learning how they worked things out. Many people are not aware that they have lived an interesting life, or that even small moments can be inspiring to others. Stop worrying about whether your life will be interesting to others, and go about your business of finding the turning points that are significant to you. First write your memoir the way you need to write it. It’s a way for you to reflect and learn about yourself and to contemplate your life in new ways. You will learn about yourself as you write, and you will be surprised by what you discover. Stay in the flow of the process of writing. It’s your friend and guide. Trust it to lead you into the heart of your story.

 

5.   “Write a book? Gasp.” Yes, that is how I felt every time I thought of writing a memoir. Feeling overwhelmed by the enormity of my task stalled me for a long time, until one of my mentors said, “Just write one vignette, small story at a time. Keep it small, focused, and about something important to you.”

 

That gave me permission to stop being so grandiose in my expectations about writing a book that I was scared into silence. I began writing one significant moment at a time for several months. When I had quite a few stories, I could see how I might fill in the blanks of my timeline. I didn’t know where my story ended—after all, I was still living my story as I wrote it! As I saw the themes emerge as I wrote, I discovered the arc of my book and understood the appropriate ending.

 

After you capture some turning point stories, you may find yourself with several personal essays that you can send out for publication. Each vignette or chapter is a story, with a desire, conflict, and resolution. Shape your memories and your stories so they have dramatic form. You will find out that you have many small jewels of your life that have meaning and that can be shared.

 

6.   What will your family do when they find out you are writing a memoir? It depends on your family! Some family members get worried, rattled, and defensive, wondering if they will be portrayed fairly, worrying about secrets being revealed or if you have the “correct” version of the family history. If you share your memoir with family and friends while you are writing it, you run the risk of censoring what you have to say to keep the peace, or trying to please everyone, which is impossible. Remember this is YOUR story, and it has to be written from your point of view with your feelings and reactions.

 

I always recommend that memoir writers create what I call a “safe sacred space” while they create the first draft of their stories. It’s important to guard your creativity from prying eyes. Our early sketches are fragile like small sprouts, and need to be protected from the winds and weather of the world.

 

    The most important thing is to begin writing your memoir today! Select your turning points and immerse yourself in the moments that shaped you. Close your eyes and see yourself at that moment. Bring it alive in your memory and begin to write.

It is a brave act to write your memoir and reveal yourself. It’s also one of the most satisfying things you can do.

Writing through Pain—and Into Healing

Linda Joy Myers will be presenting a session called "Structures of Memoir: The Narrative and Emotional Arcs" at the upcoming Stories from the Heart conference.  Join us today, as Linda talks about the healing that can come to us when we go through the process of putting difficult memories down on paper.  She also offers some suggestions as to how we can approach painful topics. 

 

As we begin one of my workshops, sometimes a student somewhat apologetically says, Some of my stories are hard to hear. I don’t want to traumatize anyone. But they are hard for me too. I hope I don’t get stuck in the bad feelings. I’m not even sure I want to write them.”

 

They talk about being afraid to start writing some of the deeper stories, they’re worried about stumbling upon painful material, or getting caught in a painful story and feeling overwhelmed.

 

We may know that writing is “good for us,” but it takes courage to put pen to paper to discover what we have to say that might have been suppressed, or to write about incidents we are afraid to put into words—it makes them even more real. And it’s always a challenge to delve into areas where the family does not wish us to go, where we want to tell our truths, but they conflict with other versions of truth the family would prefer to hold.

 

Dr. James Pennebaker, author of Opening Up, whose research proved that writing helps to heal both body and mind, says that writing helps to put a painful story in perspective. Although a story or scene may be uncomfortable at the time of writing, studies show that after the writing is complete, even months later the people in his studies had better immune system functioning, greater T-cell count, performed better in jobs, and reported feeling happier.

Research has found that the brain undergoes changes when we write about and process material that has been frozen in the memory banks as trauma appears to do. Traumatic memories are trapped in parts of the brain, and are replayed, either consciously or unconsciously, until we are able to stop the loop.

There is more than catharsis in writing stories. Writing a story integrates mind and emotions, helping the nervous system reformulate neurons and pathways. This kind of integration helps us to let the trauma go and move forward into a new story.

 

Stories are told with intention and a focus. Stories have a beginning, middle, and end, which is to say that they are contained within a structure. You begin “in the middle of things,” develop the story—which will include the dark and the light aspects of life. One reason we write is to learn something about ourselves, to explore who we are. The lessons learned as you—one of the main characters—go through your trials and discoveries to find resolution becomes the arc of the story. A scene by scene structure allows us as writers to confront traumatic events and put them into perspective as we write ourselves into the story as both witness and the character who lived the events.

You as the writer are free of course to decide how far to explore painful material. What follows are suggestions of ways to approach painful subjects while also giving yourself a chance to get started with stories that heal.

Ways to write about difficult subjects

 

· Write about what happened in the third person: “she” or “he” instead of “I.”

· Fictionalize the story. Make up other names for the “characters” in your family or in the situation you are writing about. Make up the setting and other details around the incident.

· Write it from a distance as if you are watching the scene on a movie screen.

· Write about a difficult incident the way you wanted it to turn out. Then see if you can write what really happened.

· What happened before and after the difficult incident? Write around it.

· Tell your story in a letter to a best friend, or someone whom you love and who loves you, who would be nurturing with their response.

· Write what happened in a list with no descriptions.

· Or you can dig deep and write about everything in exact detail like a journalist, maintaining a certain distance.

· Write several positive stories. Focus on beauty, happiness, and generosity. Forgiveness, compassion, and letting go.

· Balance writing about the “dark” and the “light.” It is important to have a perspective about your life, even if a lot of bad things happened.

· Where are you now? Who are you now? Write about survival.

· Write about happiness—the happiest day of your life, and why.

 

A Good Editor Can Get You Read...Plus Take Our Word Quiz

Kendra Bonnett--Getting Read #12

Getting read…it’s what most writers want. Oh there are a few who write only for themselves. But most of us want someone—even if it’s just family—to read our stories, our thoughts, our legacy. In my columns I generally focus on what it takes to get published and how to market and sell one’s book going forward.

Writers in the 21^st century have a useful tool in the Internet. But today I want to suggest something a little more traditional and low tech. It's editing, and good editing can make a big difference in your ability to get read.

If you like words and good writing--even simple sentences--you may be acutely aware of the sloppy writing, incorrect word usage and nonexistent grammar that passes for communication on the Internet. I don’t think a day goes by that I don’t see someone confuse then/than, their/there, and your/you’re. Most of it carelessness, but not entirely. The mistakes are repeated too often to be simply silly mistakes.

I thought it would be fun to include a little quiz. It's just for fun, and your challenge is to determine what (if anything) is wrong with each example. At least one is correct. You'll find the answers at the bottom of this post.

1. Black gold brings effluence.
2. All three of my children work in the emergency room. This winter, I worry that anyone of my children may be the first person in Reno to get swine flu.
3. Sludge from the broken sewer pipe contaminats the city beach.
4. Tom is a voracious reader.
5. Whenever Jane didn’t get her way, she skulked around the house for hours, hoping her parents would give in.
6. Some would say that the town was suffering from a general decline in morales.
7. Anthony yearned to be Acme’s vice president of marketing; he purposely set the wheels in motion to achieve his dream.

So how did you do? Pretty well, I expect. But before you check your answers, I'd like to direct you to our first Author Conversation for 2010 over on Women's Memoirs. Matilda Butler and I had the pleasure recently to talk with Jid Lee. Jid is the author of To Kill a Tiger: A Memoir of Korea. It's a fascinating memoir--well written and interesting for its technique. Jid is most effective for the way she entwines her history and memories with those of her family and homeland.

Jid tells us that she used three editors before she was finished. She wasn't so much in need of a grammarian as someone to help her with structure...someone who could help her turn 230,000 words into a marketable book of just 130,000 words. I think you'll enjoy our conversation.

And while we're on the subject of editing...When you're ready, I hope you will consider the talented editors we have assembled for the Story Circle Network Editorial Service. These women represent a diverse range of editing skills. This year, we'll begin showcasing their talents by having them take turns blogging here on Telling HerStories. So you'll want to watch for that.

Now, why don't you check your answers to the quiz above.

1. Black gold is an effluence, meaning it flows out, but to the person who owns the oil well, black gold brings affluence.
2. When anyone refers to anybody, it’s one word. But when it refers to any single individual, we use two words—any one.
3.  Actually,  the problem is with a single letter: The sludge is full of contaminants, and these contaminate our rivers and streams.
4. Yes, it is true. Tom is a voracious reader. That’s a veracious statement.
5. In truth, Jane’s little sister skulks around, looking for her opportunity to slip into her older sister’s room so she can go through Jane’s stuff. Her best chance usually comes when Jane is busy sulking.
6. I have to admit that morale is low all over town thanks to the behavior and moral decrepitude of a handful of people.
7. While it’s true that Anthony’s efforts were deliberate and not by accident, he acted with a single purpose…he acted purposefully.

February 2010 Podcast

Join us this month for a chat with Janet Riehl. (25:00)

In anticipation of her presentation at Stories from the Heart V conference in Austin, Tx, Feb 5-7th, Janet talks about her session topic as well as her story-poems.
She discusses two of her projects: a book of 90 story poems "Sightlines: a Poet's Diary" and an audio CD “Sightlines: A Family Love Story in Poetry and Music”
Janet reads a story-poem from Sightlines for us.
Visit her blog, Riehl Life (Village Wisdom for 21st Century).

So tune in and listen to your Story Circle sisters! 

We love to hear from you! Don't forget to let us know what you think of the podcast! Call our Listener Line at 641-715-3900, ext 19212

Do you enjoy listening to these stories and interviews? We're looking for help arranging interviews, finding content, and recording  segments. No experience is necessary for contributing content. And if you know how to edit sound files on your computer, that's even better!

If you'd like to help out with the podcast, send a note to podcast(at)storycircle.org.

This podcast is released under a Creative Commons license. Contributing authors retain all rights to their work. Music in this show was provided by the Podsafe Music Network.

February 2010 Podcast

Join us this month for a chat with Janet Riehl. (25:00)
In anticipation of her presentation at Stories from the Heart V conference in Austin, Tx, Feb 5-7th, Janet talks about her session topic as well as her story-poems. She discusses two of her projects: a book of 90 story poems "Sightlines: a Poet's Diary" and an audio CD “Sightlines: A Family Love Story in Poetry and Music”
Janet reads a story-poem from Sightlines for us.
Visit her blog, Riehl Life (Village Wisdom for 21st Century).So tune in and listen to your Story Circle sisters! 

We love to hear from you! Don't forget to let us know what you think of the podcast! Call our Listener Line at 641-715-3900, ext 19212

Do you enjoy listening to these stories and interviews? We're looking for help arranging interviews, finding content, and recording  segments. No experience is necessary for contributing content. And if you know how to edit sound files on your computer, that's even better!

If you'd like to help out with the podcast, send a note to podcast(at)storycircle.org.

This podcast is released under a Creative Commons license. Contributing authors retain all rights to their work. Music in this show was provided by the Podsafe Music Network.

January 2010 Podcast

Happy New Year!
Join us this month for a chat with Karen Ballinger as she interviews Rhonda Esakov about her writing life and her tax tips for writers as "The Tax Lady." (20:27)
Rhonda also talks about her session at the Stories from the Heart V conference in Austin, Tx, Feb 5-7th.
Rhonda's website: http://resakov.wordpress.com/

So tune in and listen to your Story Circle sisters! 

We love to hear from you! Don't forget to let us know what you think of the podcast! Call our Listener Line at 641-715-3900, ext 19212

Do you enjoy listening to these stories and interviews? We're looking for help arranging interviews, finding content, and recording  segments. No experience is necessary for contributing content. And if you know how to edit sound files on your computer, that's even better!

If you'd like to help out with the podcast, send a note to podcast(at)storycircle.org.

This podcast is released under a Creative Commons license. Contributing authors retain all rights to their work. Music in this show was provided by the Podsafe Music Network.

Writing Our Cultural Traditions

Here is another post featuring one of our presenters at our upcoming conference, Stories from the Heart V. This will give you some idea of the kinds of exciting workshops, panels, and other programs available at the conference.

This post features Linda Wisniewsk, writer and memoir teacher.  Linda will be presenting a session called Writing Our Cultural Traditions.  Here are her thoughts.

 

 

When I was a kid, I was taught that America was a “melting pot.” Everyon was meant to “fit in” with the rest of society.  Imagine how that felt to a little girl whose grandparents spoke English with an accent. 

Everyone wants to belong, but we risk losing some of our most beautiful practices and stories if we assimilate into one homogeneous whole. Today we live in a multicultural society, and America is like a “mosaic” where everyone is beautiful in her own way.

 

Here’s an excerpt from my memoir, Off Kilter:

 

“Living in America in the twenty-first century with all its diversity, I flip around like a kite on a string. I sample other cultures and new traditions. To live here without doing so is to refuse the food at a banquet. But what calls me most is my own family’s culture, lost somewhere between a farm in Poland and an old house in upstate New York.

 

I discovered (Wislawa) Szymborska’s poems at a workshop in Saratoga Springs, close to the very place on earth where my own Polish women lost their voices because they were embarrassed and ashamed to be all they were. Because they could not, I string my words on a line like laundry for the world to see.

 

…I am Lucille’s daughter, Marianna’s grand-daughter, Regina’s four times great-granddaughter. I come from them but I am not like any one of them. When I write, I cannot speak for them. But I write and speak because of who they were.”

 

There are two main reasons people write memoirs:

• To better understand ourselves and each other.
• To enable others to connect with us through our stories.

In this workshop, we’ll delve into our rich and varied cultural heritages to accomplish both these tasks. You don’t have to be able to trace your ancestors back to Europe, Africa or anywhere at all. You just need to think about the groups that have meant the most to you, and have the desire to record them for yourself and others before they are lost.

 

Join us as we take a look at what ethnicity and culture mean to each of us. We’ll ask questions like:

• Do you have to be from another country to be ethnic?
• Does your part of the country have traditions, foods or customs that make it unique from other areas?
• What is your “tribe,” the group you most identify with?
• Does this change over a lifetime?

We’ll examine poetry, memoir pieces, and stories, to see how other women have written about their cultures. And we’ll use four keys to our heritages to write a beautiful mosaic of our own.

 

4.3: The Critique Waltz

Fred Astaire was an elegant dancer, but Ginger Rogers had to be every bit as good—while dancing backward and in high heels. Being at the center of a critique may feel like tottering on high heels, but after this dance lesson you’ll keep your balance.

Sometimes you lead, and sometimes you follow. It’s all about connection. Each partner contributes to the style and mood of the dance while keeping the conversation going.

YOU LEAD

Yup, knowledge is power.

·       Know yourself and your needs—in both your emotional and writing life. Do you receive criticism easily? What kind of group will serve you best? What do you want from the group? At what stage is your writing and where do you want it to go?

·       Know your group. Are you comfy?  Does the level of writing challenge feel like a good fit ?

You’re the boss.  Structure keeps you safe.

·        Speak up! Make specific requests at the level of response you want. Is it witnessing—listening while you read the piece aloud? Or, technical: Does the story arc work? Is the plot plausible?

·       Props at the ready. Consider writing your questions out to share with the group. Be ready to take notes and be silent. Ask for someone to take notes on the group discussion.

·       Tell me more…or not. Need further clarification or want to explore a comment further? If you’re not convinced an idea will work, say why and continue the conversation.  “I’m not sure how that will work. I need to think about it.” Had enough for one night? If you’re maxed out on information, ask to continue at the next meeting.

·        Sort it out. It’s yours; the writing belongs to you. Go easy on doing everything the group suggested. Maybe your piece just needs a little tweak. Those final writing decisions are yours alone.

YOU FOLLOW

Don’t step on your partner’s feet. Relax! Your partner is there to help you, remember?

Listen up!  When a group member speaks, pay close attention; listen with more than your ears.  What’s being said?  Who’s saying it? How does your stomach feel? Oh, yeah: breathe.

Soak it up.  Even if you don’t agree, a graceful response keeps the music playing. No need to explain or defend. While you’re nattering on, you’re likely to miss a beat.

Cool off! If you’re feeling discombobulated after a critique (hurt, misunderstood, or angry), no need to brood.  Sit out a dance while you and your manuscript cool off. With a cooler head you can respond with a clear eye and balanced emotion.

 It’s the dance, sweetheart.   Critique is not about you; it’s about the writing. You don’t need a make-over, just brush up on your steps.

 Dancing and writing take hard work and discipline. Keep practicing. Before you know it, you’ll be twirling across the floor in the Critique Waltz. 

 

Column written by Janet Grace Riehl of St. Louis in collaboration with Stephanie Farrow of Albuquerque.

Pose questions about practical creativity; give ideas for future cycle themes; and join in the dialog in the comment section below.

See the Creative Catalyst archive at: http://storycircle.typepad.com/scn/creativity/

Go to www.riehlife.com to sign up for a free download of a 10-minute audio from“Sightlines: A Family Love Story in Poetry and Music.”

"Writing is Easy," Says Humolosopher Mary Gordon Spence

Opening Salvos # 13 by Matilda Butler

“Writing is easy. You just need an opening, a closing, and the right words to get you from the first to the second.” said humolosopher Mary Gordon Spence. Humolosopher? That’s right. Mary Gordon Spence sees lighthearted magic in everyday events. Because that humor often shows up in her writing and her speaking, she decided to call herself a humolosopher. A word that is just as original as she is. 

During our recent interview, I asked Mary Gordon to share her insights as a public speaker, storyteller and coach, insights that would help women as they develop the opening to their memoirs. Not surprisingly, she began by noting that grabbing and holding an audience is as important in preparing a speech as in writing, perhaps even more so.  

Her first piece of advice is to “let your audience in immediately.” Mary Gordon repeated this several times and I think it is a good reminder to us that if we’re going to share our life story, or a piece of it in a memoir, we shouldn’t hold the reader at a distance but let her join us on our storytelling journey. 

Her second piece of advice is that an opening needs to be a predictor of your story. By this she means that the reader needs to know what the book is about and why she wants to read it. Of course, in a well-crafted memoir this is often handled in scene rather than summary. 

Her third piece of advice is that openings begin long before you start writing them. They begin back when you research your material, find your focus (theme and message), organize your story, and write the chapters. All of this prepares you for the right opening. 

If you’d like to know where Mary Gordon’s humor was originally honed, please join us on Women’s Memoirs where I've posted her audio and given you a peak at the advice her mother gave her in the first grade. Not feeling funny? Don't think you can pull off humor? Don’t worry, Mary Gordon urges you to be true to yourself. She says you reader will always know. However, I think you'll love her take on humor and how it is all around us. She even though one of my stories that I shared during the interview was funny. 

Mary Gordon Spence is the luncheon keynote speaker at Story Circle Network’s Stories from the Heart V conference in Austin, TX February 5-7. She will entertain and enthrall us on Saturday February 6. We hope to see you there.